New Way of thinking? I’d say too much of positive thinking.

Think positive and all will be positive. Focus on the positive. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones and the results would be positive. Positive this and positive that, it is everywhere. It almost seems like a fad or an epidemic to talk about positive thinking. Sadly positive thinking is being used as a blanket and is being used far too often. It has impacted our lives in the opposite way that it may have been intended to. It has changed us and made us more critical.

In a world where we are trying to create sensitivity and acceptance towards mental health issues, we have become much more judgemental towards people going through a tough time. When we hear people say positive thinking, we almost judge ourselves and others for feeling low.It is the equivalent of saying that one should avoid feeling sad- ever, that feeling lonely is bad, experiencing grief means you aren’t focussing on the right thing and anger is a demon. Anxiety is only for the weak-minded, guilt is exclusively for culprits and frustration makes you unreliable. We have started questioning the existence and experience of the very feelings that truly make us completely human. Feelings aren’t just feelings any more, they are categorised as good-bad, lower-higher, positive-negative.

Why?

Imagine a world where we aren’t ashamed of telling someone that we feel lonely. Think of how liberating it would be to tell another about our disappointments and failures without a background fear of being judged or considered lower. I truly fail to understand when did our pure expression of emotion become an inconvenience that we need to apologise for- What if you don’t say sorry for crying during a conversation? What if expressing yourself isn’t considered drama?

So many what if’s but the answer to me is really simple- if we make these what if’s realities, we would feel light, heard and more accepted. It would help us overcome some of the biggest emotional struggles- of feeling unheard, of feeling rejected and of carrying the burden of our emotions everywhere we go.

How do we do this?

We simply drop the judgement. We stop judging ourselves for feeling sad or angry. We let ourselves express truly, believing that the listener is empathetic and we do the same for the other person when we hear them.We just listen and accept, especially with our children. We let our loved ones convey their feelings and not jump-in to offer solutions. We give time and space to all the relationships. We become more accommodating. We don’t push aside the unpleasant feelings, rather we embrace them and live them as a part of who we are. As humans we are bound to be disappointed. We are bound to worry and be stressed sometimes. We just accept that. We consider occasional doubts normal and we allow ourselves and the other to be.

Would we be able to enjoy a sense of security if we have never been insecure? Would we cherish the calmness if we have never lived through a storm? Can we ever be elated without working really hard towards something? The struggle, the sorrow, the pain and anguish are all important parts of who we are. Stop rejecting those and we would stop rejecting parts of ourselves.

Is it practically possible?

Yes, it is. I can tell you by practice and experience. In our household our four year old is encouraged to share her feelings. She can express her anger as easily as she is capable of sharing her joy. We don’t yell at our child for throwing a so-called tantrum. We hug and make-up and talk about the things that made us angry, once the anger has passed. We apologise to each other and value what our child is saying as much as something that an adult would say. We NEVER call her a drama-queen for expressing herself (in whichever way she likes).

Crying is considered normal, even for adults. When she saw me crying last week, she wasn’t overwhelmed by it at all. Instead, she walked up to me, gave me a big hug and then went into her room to get me a musical toy. She handed it to me and said, Amma, this could make you feel better and I can hug you some more if you want.